It has taken me five year to find the right words to describe how I felt on this day. I had been away at Abu Dhabi when my sister called and said a “Code Blue” had been called and she had been asked to leave the room. I still remember how frightened she sounded when she called. I quickly raced to the bus station to get back. The bus ride back to Dubai was easily the longest as it felt like the driver was not driving fast enough. All I had was fear; fear that I would not be able to talk to you again. During that ride back to you, I went through various emotions but the knowledge that I could not impact on the outcome left me powerless. Every second without any information was difficult. I hoped you would pull through.

 

I did make it back to your bedside but I was late. You had taken your last breath. My fears were confirmed. I was never going to see you again. I was never going to be able to repay you for all your love, your affection and your total commitment to your family. I had spent the last few weeks with you talking every day and night about different things. You even asked about Annie who you had not met at the time. I was absolutely convinced you would love her. Regrettably, you also never got to meet my two little kids.

 

As I knelt down and held your hand at your bedside that evening, I felt deflated, in total shock and disbelief and mentally exhausted to even cry. I said a prayer to God for you but the sadness I felt was immense. It felt like I was drowning in the dark with no chance of seeing the other side of this endless tunnel. The feeling of helplessness and knowing that nothing I did could prolong your life was devastating. The next morning, I finally came to terms with what had happened. I had lost you. The tears finally flowed and the heaviness in my heart was one I had never felt before. I still struggle to find the words to describe the pain I felt and all I could wonder was why did death take the best person I have known. I asked many questions in my head but there were no answers.

 

Over the next few months, I lost my way and motivation. You were meant to be immortal. In my head, I wondered if anything was worth fighting for. I went back to work probably too quickly because that was the only way I could cope; to get my mind off all the sadness and how much pain I felt in that period. This was the easy approach. But the shift were only 10 hours long. Not long enough. I continued to live in denial for the next few months and even succeeded in putting off exams I had planned to take. Afterall, my number one cheerleader who had encouraged me to keep pushing for the things I really wanted was no more. I tried to convince myself that your exit was just a hoax, a lie that would go away. I was wrong and reality struck when you finally went into the ground. I realised I would never see you again. My pain was total.

 

A couple of years later when I developed appendicitis. I remember the doctor asking me, how much pain are you? It was excruciating but, in my head, it was only a 5/10. Your death was the 10/10 pain; the type that  cannot be classified.

 

I am left with the memories of you. I had planned to write this many years ago but every time the words have eluded me. I have struggled to put my emotions into words. You were everything I hoped a father would be. When things were hard, you were there fighting hard with the support of mum. I truly appreciate the sacrifices you both made for all five of us. I do not take this for granted and I count myself lucky to have spent a lot of time with you in the final weeks. There was no warning you would go away suddenly but life itself is unpredictable. But you were far from unpredictable.

 

You were kind, fiercely loyal to your wife and kids, committed and you were the perfect quarterback who would always throw the perfect pass so we could be successful. There was never a moment when I doubted the love you had for us. I appreciate all the sacrifices you made and I hope that we continue to make you proud. You have left us with many memories to cherish and your life has been example of how a good human being should behave and live his or her life. You may be gone but you will always be in our hearts- you are engraved in our hearts and you will stay there forever. You will never be forgotten. Not a chance! Your light will continue to shine through us.